Soliciting Feedback with Humility

While asking for feedback can be uncomfortable, you can miss out on valuable insights and perspective. It turns out soliciting and incorporating feedback is more of an art form and like most things: you get better with practice.

Feedback can be a tricky thing to solicit, consider and incorporate into our work. While we may like to think of ourselves as wanting to improve and being open to the perspectives of others, in practice it can be difficult to know who to approach and how to weigh their feedback in relation to other information we receive.

As someone who has worked with a diverse group of people seeking to make positive change in a number of areas, I believe my capacity to provide effective feedback is linked to my ability to incorporate it into my own work. As a result, I work hard to cultivate a sense of curiosity and openness to the perspectives of others. It’s not always easy, however, as I can find myself becoming defensive when someone offers an insight that challenges my strongly held opinions. Striking the right balance between being coachable and having conviction is more art than science, yet it can often take our individual efforts to the next level.

The concept of a Yoda-like sage who can guide you on your journey is a stereotype I gave up years ago after eagerly putting my trust in individuals whom I thought could provide me with a roadmap to achieve my goals. I’ve since learned that such a map doesn’t exist, or rather: you are responsible for charting the path as you go. That said, individuals who have been on a similar journey can still play an important role by providing direction in terms of areas you may choose to explore, as well as those you might want to avoid.

Here are some of the key things I consider when seeking to incorporate feedback into my work.

Be Clear on WHY You’re Seeking Feedback

Before soliciting feedback, it’s important to be clear on why you’re seeking an external perspective in the first place. I find feedback to be most helpful once I’ve developed my own perspective and approach. It gives the other person something to consider, test and collaborate with me on, often leading to a much deeper discussion and more actionable takeaways.

In contrast, soliciting general thoughts and opinions often leads to generic responses or puts pressure on the other person to either be overly prescriptive (“here’s what I would do”) or to affirm your current approach, neither of which tends to be helpful.

Another important consideration in gauging your rationale in seeking feedback is to properly assess whether you are genuinely interested in someone else’s suggestions or merely seeking validation. In order to properly assess your motivation, it can be helpful to consider how you would respond if someone you trust came back with an opinion that contradicts your approach. Would you be open to considering their perspective or would you seek to defend yourself?

Once you are clear on your “why” you can consider “when” it would be appropriate to solicit feedback.

Solicit Feedback When You’re Ready to Receive It

As the startup ethos of shipping a Minimum Viable Product (MVP) before it’s ready has extended to other fields, the notion that you should subject your concept to as many opinions as possible as quickly as possible has become pervasive. While a broad cross-section of inputs can lead to helpful insights, the truth is that many creative pursuits are often more personal than products and could benefit more from getting the right perspective at the right time.

I often find it’s helpful to ask for feedback when I find myself rationalizing my assumptions and approach. At this point I can acknowledge having taken the concept as far as it will go on my own and that I am ready to have someone else consider it and subject it to stress-testing.

When I reach this stage, and before I seek outside perspective, it’s important for me to note my biases, assumptions and rationale for my current course of action. Doing so allows me to see which areas are reinforced by the feedback I receive and which ones are challenged by it. It also helps to de-personalize the feedback, because I am effectively laying out my hypothesis before testing it, rather than showcasing a finished product, which could lead me to respond defensively.

Consider Communication Style

In many situations the way in which someone offers feedback is just as important as the feedback itself. If you’re unsure whether this is valid, think of someone you consider to be smart and well-intentioned who often delivers advice in a style you don’t enjoy. While you might be able to look past their communication style to consider the merits of their counsel, it takes considerable mental energy to do so, and you may be reluctant to ask for clarification if you fear their response might be curt or critical.

As a result, it can be far more efficient to approach individuals who not only have the requisite skills and expertise to provide relevant feedback, but whose communication style aligns with your own. When you respect the way someone delivers a message you are more likely to be amenable to the message itself, so this represents another area where being honest with yourself can help you identify the right voices to seek out.

It’s also helpful to remember that different circumstances might benefit from different communication styles. For example, when you’re feeling quite confident about launching a new concept or time is of the essence you may lean towards someone who can serve as a devil’s advocate by illuminating potential blind spots. In circumstances where you are being self-critical and doubting yourself you may benefit more from consulting someone who can help you consider how something might work from a place of kindness and compassion.

Make Your Ask Explicit

Once you are ready to solicit feedback, make your ask explicit.

Many times people are reluctant to offer feedback because they don’t want to offend someone or come across as presumptuous, particularly if the subject is outside what they consider to be their area of expertise. By asking for something specific you provide others with a mission they can accomplish, helping to alleviate a potential sense of overwhelm.

If you’re worried about coming across as pushy or needy, consider asking them to provide specific feedback which you can explore with them through a series of follow-up questions. I often find people are eager to help and want to add value, so outlining how you believe they can be of service and being open to how they would like to contribute to your goal is often a great way to co-create the feedback you ultimately receive.

Understand Biases + Assumptions - Theirs and Yours

Each of us makes sense of the world through our own unique lens informed by biases and assumptions. In doing so, we develop heuristics to make quick determinations of what’s good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable and so on. If you can develop an understanding of where the other person is coming from you can better appreciate their feedback in context and therefore weigh it accordingly. Similarly, a solid understanding of your own biases serves as a reminder of the types of feedback you may resist, allowing you to be more open to such information, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

By understanding biases and assumptions you’ll be better equipped to separate insights from mere opinions. If you don’t know where someone is coming from, it can be much more difficult to assess how their feedback might apply to you. When you find yourself unclear about the basis for someone’s perspective there’s a simple solution: just ask them why they see it that way and dig deeper when they outline the data points that influenced their thinking. In doing so you will also be testing whether they have the wherewithal to explain themselves or if they might simply be improvising a response.

Design and Reinforce a Feedback Loop

In order for feedback to reach its full potential, I believe it’s important to design a feedback loop in which you can solicit someone’s perspective, wrestle with it collaboratively, and then choose how you want to incorporate it, if at all. When you are clear about this process in advance with the person from whom you’re soliciting feedback, you demonstrate respect for their time and effort in supporting you. Furthermore, having a system in place for iterating on your plan based on the input of others contributes to the sense that you are serious about your work and improving your skill over time.

The notion of creating a feedback loop naturally leads to the question of how often you can reasonably ask someone for their input. I believe the best way to determine this is by considering their level of engagement which may be gauged by how often they enquire about your project or how often you interact in general. If this is unclear or you simply don’t know them that well, it’s often easiest to simply ask when it would be appropriate to touch base. Returning to my assertion that most people want to be helpful and add value, it’s helpful to be honest about the areas in which you found their feedback helpful and to focus subsequent requests around those areas, always being mindful of their time and never presuming that their support will continue past your initial request.

Be Generous When Offering Your Own Perspective

There’s a difference between acting in a transactional manner and establishing a reciprocal relationship. Transactional arrangements are characterized by the sense of “what can I get out of this?” while reciprocity can be thought of as aiming for equilibrium, although such a sense of balance may take time to achieve.

There are certain people who can support you for whom you can contribute little in return. That’s OK. They too may have received support from someone whose kindness they could not repay. In these situations it’s helpful to make your intention to reciprocate their support clear, as there may be someone in their network who could benefit from it, even if it’s not them directly.

Offering to reciprocate doesn’t serve to acknowledge that you are indebted to someone, rather, it reflects your sense of gratitude and respect for their consideration of your request. The mere intention to honor their support through future action on your part often goes a long way towards expressing to someone that their feedback mattered to you. As a bonus: you may be surprised to find them asking you for support in return, perhaps in an area you didn’t expect they needed it.